“You can let go, I’m not sure anything bad is going to happen to me.”
– Moully Season 1 Episode 3
since this will be my first adhd entry, i think it would be best to give a little background on the process i took to get tested, and just the journey in general.
it was pretty difficult in general to understand what adhd was as a middle schooler who got bullied by some kids at school in a small town…but ultimately this was when my parents and i grew closer to each other. i feel very lucky to have this connection with my parents because not many 18 year olds have that now.
we may have our rough patches every now and then, but i genuinely feel like i could tell them anything.
anyways, my most recent fixation has been writing this blog. in some ways, i feel like i’m living more. i hardly took pictures of what i did throughout the day, and whenever i wanted to reminisce what had happened, i didn’t have anything to look at.
now, i feel like i have to in a way. but not in a way that makes it feel like a job or a chore. i feel like i am actually taking time to enjoy the surroundings, enjoying each moment, and how my day was as a whole. over the past few months since coming back from college in san francisco, i would focus on one bad or good thing that happened in the day and that would determine my day as a whole.
as i understand more about myself and my adhd, i hope to become more secure in myself. even though this blog is extremely new, i already feel so much connection to it. this is something i made by myself, with little help from my father and a friend.
i constantly think about this blog through my everyday life. right now, its one of the things i will not stop talking about with some of my friends. i text friends like charli and jamie about when i post an entry, and especially tell my parents.
everyone has been super super supportive of my journey so far, even though its been like three days of it being live. the love and support in my life really shows how lucky i am. i have surrounded myself with amazing people and i genuinely couldn’t be more happy with my life. times may be shitty every now and then, but if my mind is where my body is, i will be balanced.
in middle school, it was difficult for me to get any accommodations, even though it was required by the school to do so. i was told that i would be given the accommodations either way, but that made it difficult when i transitioned to high school.
i had to go through that process one more time, and i was finally met with an official accommodations list. i realized then, that some public schools would cheat their way into saving money wherever they had an opportunity. although my high school was also public, the same thing applies.
i don’t mean to like totally shit on public schools, i just didn’t have the same life in high school as everyone else. i already knew that i had more issues than the average person. understanding that shot my self esteem and i didn’t know who i was. granted, no one did in freshman year.
i don’t wish anything i went through had changed. i wish some of my actions changed, but i also understand that life has its ways. some things were meant to be. just like me meeting my friends from college, being in a relationship for a little over two years with julien, and sharing everything i am at this very moment.
i realize i’m going off into different tangents and i appreciate it if you have kept up so far, but i’m starting to get really emotional. i genuinely love my life. in all its shitty, fucked up glory. it made me who i am today and i would not change that for the world.
thank you for reading 🙂
– matty bee <3
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