“This is all my fault? I think?”
– Cardamon Season 1 Episode 16
hey all, i currently have a lot of draft posts that i need to finish and post, but i wanted to talk about this since it is near and dear to my heart.
there are many definitions as to what healthy is. to me, healthy makes you feel good. makes you feel good about yourself, and gives you confidence. it doesn’t matter if you eat salads all the time, it matters more that you’re eating a proper amount of protein, carbs, vegetables, and all the good stuff. yeah, i might not have the best meals sometimes and i know that. i’m also working on that on my own time.
as i’m writing this, i’m still bothered by the fact that this happened in the first place. it makes me sad that some people comment about others when they’re worried about their health.
for some background information, when i was in junior or senior year, i struggled to eat everyday. maybe it was my adhd medication, or maybe it was because i was depressed. i just had no desire to eat and i just wouldn’t. nothing looked appetizing to me at all and whenever someone asked if i wanted part of their lunch, i would feel bad and decline. sure, every now and then i would feel hunger, but i would just shove it down to not feel it because i was strong. that’s what i thought strength was. i have no idea why, or how that got put into my brain, but i realized that’s true as i’m writing this.
as a 5’10 to 5’11 girl in high school, i was close to 145 pounds. very light for my height and age. i still thought i was too heavy though. maybe subconsciously that’s why i tried to stop eating, but maybe i had gotten so used to suppressing that feeling that i genuinely didn’t feel it anymore.
throughout my first year in college, i expected to gain some weight. the people i met in my first year were always asking me if i had eaten, if i wanted to eat, or if i will eat. they had shown the same interest in my eating habits. it made me feel comforted, since some of the only people who had cared were a few friends here and there, my boyfriend, and my parents.
my parents knew first hand how bad my eating habits were. during summertime, when they would be at work, i wouldn’t eat anything all day and would complain to them about how i felt light headed and felt as if i was going to pass out. i think it was around middle school when they knew i wasn’t eating throughout the day. if i said i did, they knew i lied.
i’m getting a little off topic here but what i’m trying to say is everyone has their own journey for their goal of being healthy. for example, my dad. he had a heart attack almost a year and a half ago (it could be sooner, i have a bad sense of time) and i overheard him today talking about the reason why he wants to be healthier.
the reasoning? my mom and i. he wants to grow old with my mom. he wants to see me graduate college. he wants to see me create a family. these are all things i cannot even imagine not having him there with me. my parents are my anchors. if you asked my dad at first, he would’ve said something along the lines of “i want to have more energy, i want to feel better” but there’s an underlying reason for our actions.
whenever i think about the possibility of losing my parents, my heart aches. i cannot imagine my life without them in the past, present, and future. i would be heartbroken without them. they have shown me unconditional support and i could not be more grateful for them as i am right now. i promise mom and dad, i will never take you both for granted.
right now, i’m very self conscious about my weight. on the other hand, i am SUPER happy about where i am with my weight. i’m no longer on the cusp of being underweight, and you can’t really see my ribs! this alone is progress for me. i don’t care if i look fat to some people, even though it might change my comfortability with them, or even people worrying about my health.
i don’t appreciate my weight being discussed period. no one does. but i hate it so much when i can’t even speak up for myself or let others know why i’m (some what) happy with the way my body looks now.
i am not that girl from junior or senior year. i am stronger than i was before. and i am more secure and stable with myself. sure that may falter here and there, but i know who i am and i am happy with myself.
– matty bee <3
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